celibacy

my trial of celibacy begins today.

you would think that as a female in her 20s, i would be in the sexual prime of my life. but i'm so not into it. as "new wave" and hippie as i am, i've never been into the freedom of sharing my body with others. i will admit i went through a phase which lasted about 2 months because after 2 dudes i just felt gross. yeah .. 2 dudes lol

don't get me wrong, i enjoy sex. i would be crazy if i didn't. but it feels 10x better when i'm intertwined with someone i have genuine feelings for. i'm never in it for the quick fuck. sometimes i'm not even in it for myself but as long as i'm pleasing someone i care about it gives me the satisfaction i need. i love when our souls connect.

judging from previous posts i'm sure you can determine that i'm pretty scared to ever be in a committed relationship again. 3 years when you're fresh out of HS is a pretty big deal and to have gone through what i did, no wonder why i'm traumatized. i know i make dumb decisions when it comes to who i date. i ignore a lot of good guys, because i'm not used to all of the attention. and i aspire to be with the attention whores that won't treat me right. i don't know why i do it, it just happens. unfortunately i have yet to find a happy medium. i'm not even sure a balance exists.

sex definitely complicates things, as much as people say it won't. when you're really into someone theres always that Catch 22 - don't make him wait because he'll find another girl to fuck OR don't give it up too soon cuz then you're a definite whore. there really is no winning. especially when you're in a a retarded "no relationship" situation.

when there's no relationship, there are no rules. I think we young people do this thinking we're going to protect our feelings and our "partner's" feelings but in reality is just makes us feel terrible for feeling anything at all. any feeling is going to be questioned. "should i feel this way? what does he/she think?" and since there is no title, no one has the authority to say anything and then.. thats when shit gets weird.

i actually found a brain i was compatible with recently. yes a brain because for the first time in awhile i was attracted to something other than the physical being. i was excited but still didn't think much of it. neither one of us can bring it to the next level, because we're both so "mysterious" .. can one chaotic brain/life/person really support another? the "no relationship" thing was the obvious first route and now i'm left emotionless. not really, but it's more like i'm always aware of EVERYTHING and i have to keep my emotions in check. no point in going the distance when there were limitations from the start. besides, we had sex. too soon. now all of the mystery is gone.

i think.. i'd rather just be done with it all. i'm not only celibate in a sexual way but celibate in regards to relationships/dating overall. so many other things i can be focusing on. like getting myself back to school, or out of this hell hole of a job. saving up enough money to travel or finally finishing renovationg my room. figuring out what i want to do with my life. i won't lie, the addition of one person to help with or share all of those things i just listed would be heavenly but i don't think it's my time yet. i don't think i'm ready to stop running away from everything. i haven't found someone that can show me that it's ok to stay right where i am.