WARNING: This will be an extremely personal blog entry.
Every now and then, more often than I would like to be quite honest, people ask me why I am still single. I have been single for... give or take 3 years. ABSURD, I know.. I never thought I’d be single for this long either but hey.. shit happens.
It's extremely hard for me to allow myself to be comfortable enough with another person in that way now. I know, I know.. I have to stop being a pussy and open up eventually. I AM aware of that. But it seems that every time I get close to doing so, something happens to make me retreat. Maybe it's because my life isn't going the way I want it to, or because I am just hexed. But it just doesn't seem like something that is going to happen for me in the near future.
There are currently 3 guys ACTIVELY trying to date me. So, it isn't for the lack of options, because they've been present the past three years. But.. I am not interested in them :( And I feel terrible because I do not like to be led on, so why do I do it to them? I don't know how to reject someone without being mean. If I do it any other way, people don't get the message so instead I’m just nice & cordial and just act oblivious to their efforts. Ultimately giving these guys false hope. I am THE WORST. I should probably just give them a chance :(
There is one guy that I like.. a lot. That was not included in that aforementioned three because, get this, he DOESN'T want to date me. That truly sucks because I feel like he's the only one I'm willing to open up to at the moment and it just isn't going to happen. According to him, it just isn't the right time and his life is a mess.... sounds like what I tell those 3 guys I don't really like. I feel like I'm being played lol.. The one time I brought up that I was being led on he says, "no I like you, if I didn't you would have been cut off" .. That doesn't make me feel better. At all. We’ve been talking for sooo long now and it's been at the same level of bitchassery (yeah I just made that up) I’d much rather have him tell me it's never going to happen then give ME false hope. Talk about fucking Karma.
I just don't get why I want the one that I cannot have and I'm so terrible to the ones that do want me. I get more stressed over this than I need to because they text/call/message me throughout the entire day and when I don't respond I just get more messages. I've tried the whole just cutting people off & not answering bit but that just makes my friends and family nervous... I think about it way too much. Probably because there is nothing else going on in my life to keep me occupied. I used to occupy my mind & time with work related things but my current job SUCKS ASS (I really fucking hate it) and all of my “extracurricular activities” have been put on hold. I'm "redecorating" my room... for the 2nd time this year because I am bored, stressed and I feel useless. I need a change in my life. A huge one. A relationship might be nice, or it might stress me out even more.
All in all.. I just want to meet someone NEW that can reciprocate the feelings that I have. It'd be nice to be involved with someone that can give the same amount of effort as me.. And vice versa cuz I feel horrible for slacking with these other guys trying to date me. It doesn’t help that now I’m 23 and kind of going through “baby fever”. I look at a guy and say “I can’t have kids with him” LMAO! .. I don’t really want to have a kid right now, I am no where near financially or mentally ready for that but I’d like to get to know my baby daddy NOW.. you know? Build up a relationship as of now so I won’t be one of those 30 yr old pregnant women with a high risk pregnancy… ahhhhh.
I want to go back to high school. Life was so much less complicated then. Even though I was so full of teen angst I felt like the world was coming down on me. I look back now and I really had nothing to complain about.
BTW – I fucking hate my coworker for asking about my ex boyfriend today. Then making the craziest shocked face when I told her I was still single. Bitch! Tonight will be a night that I just curl up into fetal position & get fat while watching Netflix lol
About Me
- Becca Anomaly
- just a girl interested in anything and everything worth knowing. i write a lot & i write intensely but do not mistake my emotional words for an emotional person. i am tough as nails and will battle you to the death! *SPARTA KICK*
1 comment:
It's so odd reading this because I'm in an almost identical situation. The one guy you want but can't have, that may be the forbidden fruit thing. After all, we all want what we can't have, don't we? As far as the 3, I think they should get the shit after so long but they still have hope. If you really feel you're dragging them along for the ride then your best option is to just say it. It doesn't mean you're being a bitch about it but just be honest about it. It's a weird thing when you want to do it in their best interest, but somehow can't in your interests. The fluctuation becomes something crazy to handle. The time thing, it's a bitch. I'm going at a 17 credit semester, 40 hrs at my job, and hoping to pick up a second just to kill the time. Hopefully you find your way through the fog soon, because I know how empty that feeling it is and in all its emptiness it somehow manages to hold so much weight.
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