mystery solved

i've figured it out. as usual. the problem with knowing the future is though.. you don't get to experience life. because you're in a constant state of anticipation.

people that are too full of themselves may also encounter this problem. so with that, we are in some way similar. who is "we"? you ask? well, "we" is me & .. every guy i've ever dated.

but besides that i've also figured out something else about myself. i set myself up. i always fall for the wrong type of guy. doesn't mean they're horrible. thats just them. i'm the one mistaking them for the type that i should be with.

i used to think i was in love with a guy. i was 15, he was my first everything. so that was the type i was used to for the rest of my dating career. you know the type. the sneaky, pretty boy with the heart of gold. the one that has such a way with words; it melts your heart and moistens other areas... excuse the vulgarity but he was quite skilled. a charmer, an illusionist. he always tries to keep you happy, to distract you from all of the fucked up shit he was doing when you weren't around. but i must stress, this is just him .. he was born that way. and i knew this when i met him.

i kept going back to him even though he screwed me over dozens of times. because when it was good, it was REALLY good. good enough to make me even forget we were in the middle of a fight. i always forgave him. i was young, i had to learn. we finally broke up after about 3 years on and off. i met someone that i thought was SO different. turns out they were exactly the same. the circumstances may have been different and although i thought i was "moving on" by being with a new person.. i was in the EXACT same relationship.

instead of me using my noggin, i continued to fall into a pattern of what I was familiar with. after being in 2 extremely long and extremely emotional relationships (with a few "what the fuck was i thinking?" relationSHITs peppered in during our "breaks") i now know what signs to look for. i'm jaded. as soon as any new guy does something vaguely similar to what i had experienced in a prior relationship, a signal goes off in my brain to just cut him off lol. a crazy defense mechanism i've adapted.

i know what your thinking, "not all guys are the same". which is true! but i'm also a fan of the people that say "learn from your mistakes" .. i believe there isn't such a thing as "making a relationship work" .. either you are compatible or not. you may love certain things about your mate, even MOST things but if you find that ONE thing you just can't get past... well then i'm sorry to say my friends but you are not compatible.

you can't change people. they either want to change or they don't and even sometimes when they do change, they revert right back into the people they once used to be as soon as shit hits the fan. i don't mean to sound like a pessimist. i'm not against relationships or dating at all! in fact, despite the outcomes of my two big love eras, i quite enjoyed being a wifey when things were good. i'm just saying its going to be that much more of a challenge to find someone i will be truly happy with. i can weed out the duds from the crowd, an impressive talent. but sometimes it sucks all of the fun out of things. because although i'm happy with the few guys i've been involved with since, i know nothing is going to happen to show me long term potential. that slightly depresses me.